#2 Sleeping Beast
The beast inside me is sleeping. Not dead. - Unknown
Today was an odd day. Up early, lots of errands with a dog along. A dog I'm considering adopting into my family, which feels strange. I've never really considered it before. My cats were adopted when I wasn't an adult, so while they're in my care - I don't remember the decision to keep them. And I certainly didn't weigh the commitment as I should have, although it's been a wonderful 13 years with them.
And it's been a shit year. Losing a puppy to parvovirus after only a month with him. Having major professional setbacks. Family relations stagnating. And realizing in the midst of this that I am not looking forward to Christmas. In years past, I loved Christmas. The idea of Christmas, if not it's reality. The hope for a better world, where people did kind things because they were kind. Where I understood the world and my place in it. And this year, I'm dreading the event. I just want it over and done. I spent half of my birthday weeping periodically as I went about my day. And I can't help but wonder if wanting to adopt this dog - however wonderful he is - is a reaction to all this negativity.
And if it is, does that matter? Just beacuse it's a reaction doesn't mean it's a bad one. I can give him a home. I have known him long enough to know him fairly well. He's young, and kind, and sweet, and perfect for my lifestyle. What this can't be is me giving him a home just because he needs one, instead of me finding one. And I can't quite parse what it is.
The strong emotions are buried deep and I am left with this drifting sense of nothingness. Not dead, not true apathy. It's a kind of waiting without anticipation. Of being stranded on an island and looking up to see help arrive and simply looking. Not jumping up and yelling "Here!". Not turning to my neighbor to see if they saw it too. I'm not dying of dehydration or starvation in this metaphor. Nothing is wrong, except for my place in this circumstances. But all I can bring myself to do is look.
I'm good at being asleep at the wheel. And I'm afraid of what the beast might do when it wakes. For now, I just want this dog in a strange kind of way. A quiet kind of acceptance. Which may be the most me like thing there is. But is it enough for such a commitment?